Last night I dreamt that I was fully and completely off the wagon, to the extent that I was blacking out entire evenings again. Failing to retain memories from adventures still fresh in my bones, absent in my mind. Unable to be accountable for things done or said. MIA in my own life.
The dream gave me a hang over, and I sneered out at the grey skies, all right, all ready. I get the picture.
I met this person a few nights ago and had awesome connection, conversation. you know when you're immediately able to trust a person, that instantaneous feeling of familiarity and attraction. The conversation turned to sobriety, which was surely an anomaly behind the pub we met at, and I told him, I've was sober from 4-20 last year to about the middle of march this year. Now you're drinking again he asked? and goddamn, but I don't have an answer to that. Did something happen that acted as a sign to me, yes you have this thing under control and you can drink now, and it doesn't matter and its not a waste of time?
No.
I was uninspired and depressed and in a foreign place where no one would remind me that my sobriety is one thing at least that I'm proud of.
Yikes. I feel almost obliged to write this here, to make my frame of mind accessible, because I want to understand. I want to know how the booze-y stuff works in my brain and body, and I want to know how you feel.
Is it unexamined in the vast majority? From 17 a beer in the hand is just Plain Old Normal, like a smile on your face, or a light on your bike. Does it make you question your perspective ever, or is that just the affliction of those who spend too much time inside their own heads? Are you thinking about what you're putting into your bodies?
More importantly, is it real?
“The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love”
-Tom Robbins
The dream gave me a hang over, and I sneered out at the grey skies, all right, all ready. I get the picture.
I met this person a few nights ago and had awesome connection, conversation. you know when you're immediately able to trust a person, that instantaneous feeling of familiarity and attraction. The conversation turned to sobriety, which was surely an anomaly behind the pub we met at, and I told him, I've was sober from 4-20 last year to about the middle of march this year. Now you're drinking again he asked? and goddamn, but I don't have an answer to that. Did something happen that acted as a sign to me, yes you have this thing under control and you can drink now, and it doesn't matter and its not a waste of time?
No.
I was uninspired and depressed and in a foreign place where no one would remind me that my sobriety is one thing at least that I'm proud of.
Yikes. I feel almost obliged to write this here, to make my frame of mind accessible, because I want to understand. I want to know how the booze-y stuff works in my brain and body, and I want to know how you feel.
Is it unexamined in the vast majority? From 17 a beer in the hand is just Plain Old Normal, like a smile on your face, or a light on your bike. Does it make you question your perspective ever, or is that just the affliction of those who spend too much time inside their own heads? Are you thinking about what you're putting into your bodies?
More importantly, is it real?
“The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love”
-Tom Robbins
4 comments:
New Pines minneapolis!!! signed and aligned.
sometimes you drink out of social anxiety or depression,
and sometimes you drink for fun,
but you cant do both.
the mental state behind the action is more important than the action.
(ie if you are depressed and drink you might have fun, but you are still depressed, and now you know that drinking can superficially solve it.
if you are happy and you drink you have fun but it is nothing special because you are happy anyway and no extra urge to drink develops.)
(iie inability to control substance use is often a symptom of other things)
It must be our wavelengths or the transition from spring to summer. But I feel a presence now that is telling me that i can no longer slug down brews thinking they don't effect me when really I'm being effected on another plane and trying to escape the current one I'm one. Life can be so sweet and simple. I just saw some birds fly fighting. it was cute. actually awareness is such a basic concept. like being aware that the sun goes down at night and blacks out the sky with darkness. good time charlies can now have a go at the nightlife or maybe sleepy stevens to catch up on the rest state. But the sun always comes up at dawn to renew the world and help us realize that it's always spinning. So seeing that happen, the sun coming up is quit an intoxicating buzz that if we can catch it in our eyeballs then hopefully it will ground us throughout the day. It helps us to remember the schedule of our planet and how important it is feel your own pulse.
1)you are a person and thereby exempt from perfection; you are allowed to discover through trial and error.
2)Like everyone else, you operate within an imbalance. There are fluctuations in the weather, and inconsistencies in the grip your ideals hold you with.
3)Starting over is the new black.
4)I love you and miss you and want to chew your toes.
love,
claire m.
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